Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; – Ephesians 5:22, 25, KJV

It takes two to tango. If the tango is to be a work of art rather than a total wreck, both partners must fulfill their roles expertly. To have a good, strong marriage, the same is true.

The husband’s role is to serve by sacrifice. Why do you love the Lord? You love The Lord because He sacrificed everything, including His earthly life, so that you could have eternal life. You love and respect Him because of what He has done for you, and you want to repay Him with submissiveness to His will. In marriage, the husband is to emulate Christ’s example, sacrificing everything – his selfish ambition, his desire for self-gratification, and, especially, his time – for the sake of his wife. When he does so, love, respect, and submission flows naturally from the wife. When he fails to do so, enmity comes.

The wife’s role is to serve by submission. Why do you go to church? You go to church to get to know God. The more you know Him and understand Him, the more you love Him. The more you love Him, the more you want to obey Him because obedience is the best way to show Him your love. In marriage, the wife is to emulate the church’s example, purposefully seeking to learn, to understand, and to obey her husband. The more she does so, the more he wants to sacrifice for her, making him more lovable and more easy to submit to. When she fails to do so, enmity comes.

If you are not yet married, take note of how potential spouses act. If you are a woman, beware of men who try to impress you with their strength, their wit, or their pocketbook. Look for a man who sacrifices his own desires in humble service to yours. If you are a man, beware of women who try to impress you with their beauty, their wit, or their pocketbook. Look for a woman clothed in humility, one who seems interested in understanding your heart more than anything else.

If you are already married and there is tension in the home, then don’t reciprocate your spouse’s selfishness. Set the tone by fulfilling the family role God has given you. If the husband, set aside selfish ambition and self-gratification. Give up your right to yourself. Spend some quantity time, not just quality time, with your spouse, giving her your undivided attention. The more you sacrifice yourself, the more she will love, respect, and submit to you, making her more lovable in your eyes.

If the wife, show respect for your husband by submitting to his authority. Surprise him by letting him win a battle, then another, and then another. Take the initiative of doing something for him to show your respect for his position in the family. He may not deserve your respect now, but through your change of attitude he may very well repay your respect with self-sacrifice of his own. If he does, then you will be well on your way to building the relationship of understanding that you desire, and love will flow from the both of you.

For the man, service by sacrifice. For the woman, service by submission. It’s reciprocal, unselfish service, and it’s God’s plan for marriage. If we would just work His plan instead of our own selfish one, then our families would be in a whole lot better shape than they are today.